Yes there is a smell for being content.. and that smell is fresh mown grass.
I sit here at my computer right beside an open window and I hear the sound of a lawn mower, it takes a few minutes but the wind is lightly blowing and there it is.. the sweet yet tangy smell of freshly mown grass.
It somehow instantly brings a sense of 'being content'. I have purchased scented things, oils.. incense.. those car scent danglies that all say 'fresh cut grass' or something along those lines and yet they never bring that content feeling nor is the smell exactly right.
I love spring, summer and part of the reason I love it so is because of the smell of cut grass. It is even more intense and wonderful when done on a day like today, breezy and still damp because it rained/sprinkled yesterday. If heaven does exist, this must be one of the smells that mingles gently through the air.
I am enjoying this weekend, a nice long weekend, I did not have work yday and I do not have work on Monday so it is long for me and I am goign to be the laziest person on earth.
I read somewhere (surfing the web and just clicking this and that and whatever) that someone in their 20's were in dispair because she did not know herself and was still looking for herself and I don't know.. maybe it is just my wierd way of thinking, but I wanted to tell her to look in the mirror and there she is! Found.
Although I may say comments here and there indicating otherwise, the simple truth is, there is no 'finding' yourself, there is no 'mystical universe trying to guide you in a direction'.
You are who you are, you are not always the exact same as you once were and two years down the road you may be on another path and you may even be 'like' a different person. No one is really guiding you on this other then yourself. You make your choices, you work on those choices and you move forward. Really you cannot move backwards because in life there is no backwards. You can move forward, for a spell you can even stay still though life will still move forwards. You may not grow on the inside thought wise.. but your body will go forward, you will still be one year older.. being one year wiser in a year though, is up to you!
I Find the scent of cut grass to be soothing, that is just me. Other people find associated to much with hayfever to enjoy the scent and so they close their windows and ignore it. It is not the universe guiding the scent away or to me, it is just who I am and what I like. I like the taste of chocolate, I love the taste of hot cocoa with black berry brandy in it.
I made a choice to work at a major publishing company a lil over five years ago. The universe did not guide me there. that job opening would have been there regardless. period. My ability on the phone is what made the job a full time position for me, not some universe or god or guardian angel. It was my own hard work.
And my choices in life will be choices based on what I feel my own needs are.
I have made a few decisions for my future. I may work five more years at this company (or maybe not, but no more then five I dont think.. though who knows, maybe the company will change enough to where I will want to be there longer, one doesn't know the companies future choices, so I am basing mine on what I know today). I will then quit, and get two part time jobs. JObs in areas I enjoy, love.
Or (and this is a biggie) within the next yr or two I will go to college and study clinical psychology. And then move on from there, I think my age is in my mind on this one, in a couple of years I will be 50. It could and would probably take 5-6 yrs of college and then I will be nearing 60... I don't know.. THIs is a big iff.
Now idealy what I DESIRE, is a job I can do from home on the computer. I would quit now and do that type of job if I could. All I would want is enough money to cover medical ins. and just enough to survive on till I can build myself up.
These are discisions/or future choices I am thinking/deciding on. ANd I know that the way companies go, and openings I see and grab are what is going to decide what I finally end up doing.
Things open up every day, but we do not always look every day for them, or we see them but because we havent really chosen to see it, we do not. It is always what we choose to do, steps we take.. risks we are willing ot jump into.. that guides us.
And we in ourselves then (if we are lucky) influence our family/children/friends as they influence us.
Life.. it is a never ending cycle.. and everyone experiences it. Everyone can find themselves if they but look in the mirror and pay attention to whats behind their eyes.
They will discover they are not lost after all.
The insecurities I had at 16 are changed a little bit, but the 'feelings' are still there at the age of almost 48. We never truely know what is around the corner and we never ever know exactly how we will be this time next year.
And isn't the mystery of it all, the fun part? Instead of constantly seeking who you are, just live and become the best you that you can be, because there is nothing to 'seek'. You will always be forever evolving, forever changing. That is how life should be.
Of course you can always look at it another way.. Doctor WHo once said 'what is life other then mother natures way of preserving meat'. (methinks thats the way he said it :P )
I think on MOnday When we go to the stores we will get some mixed greens because I am starving to death for some pot likkur gravy. I AM CRAVING it. Maybe we can mix some of the cooked greens with some mashed tators and chopped onions, roll it in panco and fry the potato cakes and put the pot likkur gravy over them. That gravy never lasts in this house, it goes fast fast fast and I have learned if you do not eat all your fair share of it, other people will and they will not say they are sorry!